Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Relationship Help: Does That Person Who Irritates You, Have a Purpose?

Do you have a family member, boss or co-worker  or maybe even a friend who irritates you by pointing out some shortcoming in your life more than once?

Like sisters often do, my sister and I share freely with each other, areas we think the other needs to change. :-) Recently my sister said that I irritated her when I pointed out a certain shortcoming. I considered her complaint and said, "Well, why didn't you say something before?"

Her reply intrigued me, "Because I thought maybe you were assigned by God to help me see something in that area of my life."

Her response stunned me with its wisdom. Sometimes when people irritate us with their observations, it's because that is an area we need to take a look at. If we receive the criticism, it can be an invitation to grow stronger in a weak area.

Later when she did the same thing to me over a shortcoming, I began to look for how I needed to change in that area. Maybe she was on assignment from God to help me grow stronger in this area.

It took some humility to admit it. This is not always easy. Even though I didn't necessarily like the way she gave it, I began to take some of her advice and pay more attention to how I could change that behavior.

Sometimes when people irritate us, nag us or point things out, ask yourself, "Is this something I need to look at? Is this an area I need to grow or change?"

We may not like the way they give it to us and they may not be right in the way they say it. However, if we swallow our pride and look at ourselves, we may be able to grow and become a better, stronger, more mature person.

I'm not talking about someone who is just being mean or manipulative. That is toxic and you need to either stand up to it or get away from it. However, those closest to us often see things we either don't see or don't want to face. If we shut our ears to them or remove them from our life, we may miss the much needed wisdom to grow.

Next time someone irritates you, ask yourself, do they have a purpose in my life?

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

Did you find this post helpful for you or do you have further questions? Let me know. I'd love to help if I can and it encourages me to hear when something I write benefits you!

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Conflict Resolution: What to Do When You Have Problems with Resentment?

It takes courage to be honest and admit to a negative emotion such as resentment. Once we come out of denial and start seeing this in ourselves, we can feel bad that we are in that place. We know it’s wrong but we are not sure how to get out of this miserable trap.

Recently, I shared a situation with a friend that caused me to be resentful. She looked at me, “That is a tough situation. I understand why you would be resentful. Her empathy helped me to realize that I didn’t need to condemn myself either.

God understands our struggle too. When we admit that we have resentment and have a desire to give it up, God will show us the way out. He understands why we are resentful. He knows what has been done to us. He doesn’t judge us. He understands us and accepts us where we are at.

Acceptance is the first step toward change. When we feel loved and accepted, it gives us the ability to admit our weaknesses. Condemnation keeps us stuck. Grace gives us strength and empowers us to change.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. For more insights that will help you, see the post I wrote on how to get out of the resentment trap. When you are sincerely seeking to give resentment up, God will help you. He understands that sometimes it takes time so be patient with yourself. God loves you and is patient with you. He forgives you.

Take courage knowing that His grace is sufficient for you. As you keep coming to Him with the problem, each time you will find the wisdom and the strength to overcome until you are free.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1,2 (NIV)

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Forgiveness, What Makes it Difficult?

Every time someone offends or harms us in some way, they disregard a right we believe we should have. It is hard to release something we believe we have the right to have and this causes conflict. Why is forgiveness is difficult? Because it's hard to give up our rights in relationships.

Sometimes it's not about rights but we are upset because we didn't receive something we wanted. When we refuse to forgive, we insist on our rights or what we want. This keeps us stuck. The good news is with God's help, we can get unstuck through forgiveness.

 When we forgive, we give up our rights to have things the way they should be and instead to accept the way things are. As long as we hang on to either our rights or the way we want things to be, we can't move on.

In order to let go and go forward, it is helpful to deal with our disappointments. Some trespasses are small and we can let go quickly. Others wound us deeply. In those cases we need to acknowledge the loss and the resulting grief. Our hurts and resentment are usually justified. Grieving in a healthy way allows us to process the anger and the heartache. Recognize that this can take time depending on how serious the offense was.

Once you let go, you will find relief from the pain of what happened and you can partner with God to redeem it. You can benefit from the lessons learned in even negative situations and often be able to help others. Then we can go forward to the good things God has for us now and in the future.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to a better past

For the hope of a better future. Sharon Rose Gibson

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,
just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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How Can You Get Out of the Resentment Trap?

A common problem many of us have is resentment in some area of our life especially as it relates to relationships. Hurtful things happen. That is a normal part of relationships. Webster dictionary defines resentment as "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury."

Our hurt, anger and resentment is probably justified. However, sometimes we cling to offenses. The question is, does resentment benefit us or help us? Or does it trap and hinder us?

There are emotions we choose that are beneficial for us and then there are emotions that are against us. Resentment is an emotion that sabotages us and throws us into an emotional pit. It ensnares us and we become victims rather than victors.

So how do you get out of this place of victimization? How do you find our way out of the pit? How do you break free of this trap?

Forgiveness is a way out and it is essential. There is alot I could say about forgiveness and how to do it which I will talk about later. For now I'll simply say a willingness to forgive is a first step to dealing with an offense. Forgiveness is a choice you make whether you feel like it or not. Sometimes you may need to go to the person who offended you and share your thoughts and feelings. This can help you forgive and let go of the offense.

Second, instead of asking the why questions, "Why me, why did this have to happen, etc ask "What for?" Ask yourself and God, "What can I learn from this situation? How can I grow from this?"

In this way, you can partner with God to turn a negative situation into a positive situation. Instead of stunting your growth, you can foster your growth. Don't bury your offenses, bring them to the surface, into the light. Then you can work through them until you can let go of them. Then those hurts and offenses no longer have the power to keep you stuck emotionally. You can turn what was meant for harm against you into good. In this way, you can move from being a victim to a victor. 

There is a quote from Joseph in the Bible who was seriously betrayed by his brothers. Consider the profound insight in it.

 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

You might want to read or re-read his inspiring story from Genesis 30-50. Joseph is a good example of someone who turned the offenses of others against him into good not only for himself but the ones who offended him. Because he found victory over his offenses, he saved a nation and a people.

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