Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Let Yourself Have Your Anger

Some people are totally out there with their anger. Others hesitate. They may have anger but repress it because they don’t think they should have it. Sometimes we think that if we are going to forgive, we shouldn’t be angry. However, making a choice to forgive doesn’t mean you don’t have anger.

Let yourself have your anger! Part of healing from an offense, betrayal or hurtful action of another is to deal with the emotions that go with it. Anger is like a warning light on a your car dashboard. It tells you something is wrong.

Your choice to forgive does not mean you deny the pain caused by the hurtful actions of another. In fact you cannot truly let go and heal until you acknowledge the wrong that was done to you. Often it’s helpful to share with another trusted friend or counselor who can help you get in touch with just why you feel angry and help you gain perspective.

If you are still stumped, ask God to reveal to you the reasons for your anger. Usually under the anger, there is hurt, frustration, fear or sadness or some other emotion. Anger is considered a secondary emotion and if you can get to the underlying feeling it’s easier to process.

Do be careful in how you express your anger not to be hurtful and at the same time don’t deny it. We’ll talk in the next post about a different kind of anger such as when you are ready to explode.

"In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Resolving Conflict: How to Let Go of an Offense.

Whatever you focus on increases. If you focus on an offense from someone, the anger and resentment increases. If you focus on trying to understand yourself and the other person, your wisdom and understanding will increase.

A friend of mine has an ongoing area of conflict with her husband. She has addressed it many times and nothing changes. She said, "I keep thinking that this time I said it just right and that he will get it. But nothing ever changes."

Sometimes you can address an area of conflict and things change but other times no matter how much you say, the other person simply doesn't respond. Then it is time for you get your focus off the offense, process your feelings about it and move on. When you continue to focus on the wrong, you stay in a negative place. This is not good for your physical and mental health. It's in your best interest to give it up.

How do you do that?

7 Tips to let go of an offense

1. One way is to write out your feelings and frustration. Do it several times if you need to. Be as honest as you need to be in either writing to yourself or to a trusted friend and/or to God. God is not offended with our honest expression of feelings. You have to know how you've been wronged in order to let go.
2. Try to understand the other person and their viewpoint. You can even ask God to help you understand them. I've often asked God to shed His light on the situation and to help me understand myself and the other person. Understanding helps you not be so judgmental.
3. Make a commitment that you are going to release it to God knowing that at some point, He will right every wrong. He is a God of mercy and at the same time, He is a God of justice. Since we are all accountable to God, it will be dealt with.
4. If you are having trouble letting it go, pray for God to help you
5. Sometimes talking it through with a trusted friend or counselor can help.
6. Depending on how serious the offense is and how deep the wound, the negative feelings may not go away right away. Keep dealing with it. Bring it to God to help you over and over until you can let it go.
7. Pray for the person. It's not easy to pray for them and it's also more difficult to stay angry at someone when you are asking God to bless them.

"Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." Luke 6:35 (NIV)

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Relationship Help: How to Handle Relationship Mistakes.

Have you ever really blown it in the way you handled a relationship or a relationship situation? You made a serious mistake or mistakes that caused damage to the other person and the relationship and you know it. You feel sorry now and regret the mistakes and wonder what you can do to repair the situation. Sometimes you can go back and make it right with the person. Sometimes not.

If you can, by all means go to the person and apologize and make things right the best you can. It’s best of course to do that as soon as possible after an offense. However, even if it’s been a long time ago you can still bring healing with an apology.

Next, do your best to be faithful in the area you failed the person. This will rebuild and restore the trust that has been broken.

If you can’t go to that person or make a situation right, determine to make different and better choices in future relationship.

God knew we would not be perfect. He knew we would make mistakes and so He gives second chances and ways to redeem ourselves. Though the pain of the consequences may be real, you can learn from your mistake. You can turn around and make better choices and regain honor by being faithful in the very area you were weak in before.
Is that cool or what?

"Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil."
 Proverbs 16:6 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: What to Do When You Have Problems with Resentment?

It takes courage to be honest and admit to a negative emotion such as resentment. Once we come out of denial and start seeing this in ourselves, we can feel bad that we are in that place. We know it’s wrong but we are not sure how to get out of this miserable trap.

Recently, I shared a situation with a friend that caused me to be resentful. She looked at me, “That is a tough situation. I understand why you would be resentful. Her empathy helped me to realize that I didn’t need to condemn myself either.

God understands our struggle too. When we admit that we have resentment and have a desire to give it up, God will show us the way out. He understands why we are resentful. He knows what has been done to us. He doesn’t judge us. He understands us and accepts us where we are at.

Acceptance is the first step toward change. When we feel loved and accepted, it gives us the ability to admit our weaknesses. Condemnation keeps us stuck. Grace gives us strength and empowers us to change.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. For more insights that will help you, see the post I wrote on how to get out of the resentment trap. When you are sincerely seeking to give resentment up, God will help you. He understands that sometimes it takes time so be patient with yourself. God loves you and is patient with you. He forgives you.

Take courage knowing that His grace is sufficient for you. As you keep coming to Him with the problem, each time you will find the wisdom and the strength to overcome until you are free.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1,2 (NIV)

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How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Forgiveness, What Makes it Difficult?

Every time someone offends or harms us in some way, they disregard a right we believe we should have. It is hard to release something we believe we have the right to have and this causes conflict. Why is forgiveness is difficult? Because it's hard to give up our rights in relationships.

Sometimes it's not about rights but we are upset because we didn't receive something we wanted. When we refuse to forgive, we insist on our rights or what we want. This keeps us stuck. The good news is with God's help, we can get unstuck through forgiveness.

 When we forgive, we give up our rights to have things the way they should be and instead to accept the way things are. As long as we hang on to either our rights or the way we want things to be, we can't move on.

In order to let go and go forward, it is helpful to deal with our disappointments. Some trespasses are small and we can let go quickly. Others wound us deeply. In those cases we need to acknowledge the loss and the resulting grief. Our hurts and resentment are usually justified. Grieving in a healthy way allows us to process the anger and the heartache. Recognize that this can take time depending on how serious the offense was.

Once you let go, you will find relief from the pain of what happened and you can partner with God to redeem it. You can benefit from the lessons learned in even negative situations and often be able to help others. Then we can go forward to the good things God has for us now and in the future.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to a better past

For the hope of a better future. Sharon Rose Gibson

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,
just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

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How Can You Get Out of the Resentment Trap?

A common problem many of us have is resentment in some area of our life especially as it relates to relationships. Hurtful things happen. That is a normal part of relationships. Webster dictionary defines resentment as "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury."

Our hurt, anger and resentment is probably justified. However, sometimes we cling to offenses. The question is, does resentment benefit us or help us? Or does it trap and hinder us?

There are emotions we choose that are beneficial for us and then there are emotions that are against us. Resentment is an emotion that sabotages us and throws us into an emotional pit. It ensnares us and we become victims rather than victors.

So how do you get out of this place of victimization? How do you find our way out of the pit? How do you break free of this trap?

Forgiveness is a way out and it is essential. There is alot I could say about forgiveness and how to do it which I will talk about later. For now I'll simply say a willingness to forgive is a first step to dealing with an offense. Forgiveness is a choice you make whether you feel like it or not. Sometimes you may need to go to the person who offended you and share your thoughts and feelings. This can help you forgive and let go of the offense.

Second, instead of asking the why questions, "Why me, why did this have to happen, etc ask "What for?" Ask yourself and God, "What can I learn from this situation? How can I grow from this?"

In this way, you can partner with God to turn a negative situation into a positive situation. Instead of stunting your growth, you can foster your growth. Don't bury your offenses, bring them to the surface, into the light. Then you can work through them until you can let go of them. Then those hurts and offenses no longer have the power to keep you stuck emotionally. You can turn what was meant for harm against you into good. In this way, you can move from being a victim to a victor. 

There is a quote from Joseph in the Bible who was seriously betrayed by his brothers. Consider the profound insight in it.

 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

You might want to read or re-read his inspiring story from Genesis 30-50. Joseph is a good example of someone who turned the offenses of others against him into good not only for himself but the ones who offended him. Because he found victory over his offenses, he saved a nation and a people.

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