Conflict to Peace in Relationships

Relationship Help: Does That Person Who Irritates You, Have a Purpose?

Do you have a family member, boss or co-worker  or maybe even a friend who irritates you by pointing out some shortcoming in your life more than once?

Like sisters often do, my sister and I share freely with each other, areas we think the other needs to change. :-) Recently my sister said that I irritated her when I pointed out a certain shortcoming. I considered her complaint and said, "Well, why didn't you say something before?"

Her reply intrigued me, "Because I thought maybe you were assigned by God to help me see something in that area of my life."

Her response stunned me with its wisdom. Sometimes when people irritate us with their observations, it's because that is an area we need to take a look at. If we receive the criticism, it can be an invitation to grow stronger in a weak area.

Later when she did the same thing to me over a shortcoming, I began to look for how I needed to change in that area. Maybe she was on assignment from God to help me grow stronger in this area.

It took some humility to admit it. This is not always easy. Even though I didn't necessarily like the way she gave it, I began to take some of her advice and pay more attention to how I could change that behavior.

Sometimes when people irritate us, nag us or point things out, ask yourself, "Is this something I need to look at? Is this an area I need to grow or change?"

We may not like the way they give it to us and they may not be right in the way they say it. However, if we swallow our pride and look at ourselves, we may be able to grow and become a better, stronger, more mature person.

I'm not talking about someone who is just being mean or manipulative. That is toxic and you need to either stand up to it or get away from it. However, those closest to us often see things we either don't see or don't want to face. If we shut our ears to them or remove them from our life, we may miss the much needed wisdom to grow.

Next time someone irritates you, ask yourself, do they have a purpose in my life?

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

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Is Criticism the Best Way to Get a Person to Change?

Do you think that criticizing someone over and over in a harsh tone is the way you get them to change? You know the "How many times have I told you…" syndrome. Sometimes we think with our children or spouses or even someone we work with that if we keep on criticizing and put the angry tone to it that somehow they will change.

Recently a quote grabbed my attention, "Harsh criticism does not consistently motivate or nurture most people. Change and growth comes through encouragement and increased self esteem." Allyson Lewis "The 7 Minute Difference"

One time with one of my sons, a family member was very harsh with him because he got a "D" on a test. Later when just he and I were alone in his bedroom, I sat on the edge of his bed, "I know you want to do well in school. What do you think you could have done different to get a better grade?"

He propped up his head with his hand, "I think I could have studied more."

I nodded, "Well, all I ask is that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and make an effort to do better next time."

Sure enough next time around, he came in beaming to me, "I got a 94 on the test yesterday."
I smiled, "Good for you! I knew you could do it!"

There certainly is a place for constructive criticism and yet maybe the way is not to be harsh about it. Instead, is there some way you could address the issue in a way that shows confidence in the person ability to do better?

"Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

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Resolving Conflict: How to Let Go of an Offense.

Whatever you focus on increases. If you focus on an offense from someone, the anger and resentment increases. If you focus on trying to understand yourself and the other person, your wisdom and understanding will increase.

A friend of mine has an ongoing area of conflict with her husband. She has addressed it many times and nothing changes. She said, "I keep thinking that this time I said it just right and that he will get it. But nothing ever changes."

Sometimes you can address an area of conflict and things change but other times no matter how much you say, the other person simply doesn't respond. Then it is time for you get your focus off the offense, process your feelings about it and move on. When you continue to focus on the wrong, you stay in a negative place. This is not good for your physical and mental health. It's in your best interest to give it up.

How do you do that?

7 Tips to let go of an offense

1. One way is to write out your feelings and frustration. Do it several times if you need to. Be as honest as you need to be in either writing to yourself or to a trusted friend and/or to God. God is not offended with our honest expression of feelings. You have to know how you've been wronged in order to let go.
2. Try to understand the other person and their viewpoint. You can even ask God to help you understand them. I've often asked God to shed His light on the situation and to help me understand myself and the other person. Understanding helps you not be so judgmental.
3. Make a commitment that you are going to release it to God knowing that at some point, He will right every wrong. He is a God of mercy and at the same time, He is a God of justice. Since we are all accountable to God, it will be dealt with.
4. If you are having trouble letting it go, pray for God to help you
5. Sometimes talking it through with a trusted friend or counselor can help.
6. Depending on how serious the offense is and how deep the wound, the negative feelings may not go away right away. Keep dealing with it. Bring it to God to help you over and over until you can let it go.
7. Pray for the person. It's not easy to pray for them and it's also more difficult to stay angry at someone when you are asking God to bless them.

"Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." Luke 6:35 (NIV)

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Conflict Resolution: Do You Walk on Eggshells Around Certain People?

"I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my daughter. I never know when I am going to do something that triggers her and offends her" she shook her head as she leaned over the table. We had finished breakfast and were visiting about relationship issues.

I stirred my tea and put down the spoon, "I used to feel that way around a couple of my teens." I empathized, "At times, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. I never knew what I was going to do that would set them off."

She picked up her coffee cup and held it in her hands, "I've told my daughter, 'Look if I am doing something that offends you, let me know right then.' Then I could explain or clarify it to clear up any misunderstanding. I wish they could accept me the way I accept my mother in law and overlook some of my mistakes. Or that they would tell me what I do that bothers them."

What do you do when you have a sensitive person who gets offended easily?

If they snap at you or pull away, ask them at the time, "Did I say something that offended you?" If it is a later time that an incident comes to your mind, call them or when you see them, then ask, "Were you offended when I said or did such and such?"

On the other hand, if you are not sure if they are offended but you sense their withdrawal, ask, "Have I done something to offend you?"

Hopefully they will tell you and then you can apologize or clear up the misunderstanding. If they won't then you can say, "Look I care about you and I care about our relationship. It's not my intent to hurt you and if you are offended, I can't read your mind, I would like for you to tell me so I can make it right."

If they respond, you've won someone back over into relationship. If they don't tell you, you've done what you can. You can only be responsible for your part to make peace. Don't let them control your behavior. Be yourself.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18(NIV)

How Do You Get Over Being Offended?

When you are offended by something someone said or did, a natural reaction is to lash back out of your pain. One principle I’ve learned is that before you confront someone, you will handle things better if you get over the offense before you talk to them. You will be calmer if you have worked through some of your anger and frustration and they will be more likely to receive what you have to say.

7 Tips on how to get over the offense:

1.    Take some time by yourself to think. Find a time and place to process things. It can even be while you do other chores but take some focused time to think.
2.    Do a little self evaluation. Why did what they said or did bother you so much? What is the reason behind your anger? Was it an attack on your value and worth? Was it their lack of consideration of your needs? Was it their irresponsibility? What is the core issue for you?
3.    Ask yourself some questions. Is there any truth in what they said? What part of it is something you can change and what part of it is their issue?
4.    Ask God for wisdom to help you understand yourself and the other person.  If you are having a hard time sorting it through, talk to a trusted friend or write out your thoughts and feelings.
5.    Make a decision to forgive the person and extend grace to them. We all make mistakes even harmful ones. Forgiveness helps us to get rid of the anger. If you are having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you and to give you what you need to forgive. A mindset of forgiveness will help you address the person in a more honoring way.
6.    Plan out the points you want to make before you talk to them. This will help you be clearer and more focused in the discussion.
7.    Review the principles I wrote in an earlier post on  tips for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

It’s usually scary to confront someone who offended you. It's easier to withdraw but that won't solve any problems and leaves you at risk for resentment. These tips will help you press past the fear and have the needed courage to resolve the problem.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

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Whose Words are You Going to Listen to?

Have you ever had someone say hurtful, untrue things about you? Maybe there was a grain of truth in what they said but their tone was so hostile it dragged you down?

We can all benefit from constructive criticism and any time someone criticizes us, it is always good to look for the truth in it. This helps us grow.

However there are times when the spirit behind the words is simply to put you down. Also sometimes it is more the other person's issue than yours. What are you going to do?

Recently, someone close to me unloaded a lot of hurtful words against me. As I searched to find the grain of truth, I sensed that this was not constructive criticism. I heard God say to me, "Whose words are you going to listen to?" Immediately, I realized that I needed to start thinking about what God says about me. Thoughts came to mind such as "You are precious to me. I am pleased with you. You are my cherished one. I delight in you." Soon those thoughts lifted me out of the emotion pit and I let go of the other hurtful thoughts.

How about you? When this happens to you, think about positive things God says about you in the Bible. Make a list of verses that affirm how much God values you.

Another helpful strategy is to recall some positive words a friend said. I keep an affirmation file of positive things people have said about me. Reviewing these can give you a boost when you are down.

The Bible tells us we need to guard our hearts. Our hearts and what we think on, can either drag us down or give us life. Therefore, be careful what you think. Feed your mind with life giving positive words.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

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Whose Issue Is It?

Sometimes when people are critical of you, attack or try to control you, it's not about you. It is an unresolved issue for them. It can get confusing at times especially if it is someone close to you or someone you respect.

7 tips on how to deal with these kinds of criticisms or attacks.

1. Go somewhere by yourself to think through what they said about you.
2. Ask yourself, is this true about me?
3. If you are not sure, you can talk it through with a trusted friend who knows you and ask them if they think it is accurate.
4. Also, you can also ask God to shed His light on the situation and ask Him to help you see what is your issue and what is the other person's.
5. If you see there is some truth to what they say, then take advantage of the criticism or the attempts to control and look for how you can learn and grow from it.
6. Focus on the truth. Once you know, it was not you, then don't engage in discussion about the issue with them. You may even say, "I don't see that is the truth about me. I believe this is your issue and not mine." Don't be mean about it. You can say it humbly and simply be truthful. Sometimes they will accept this. Other times it might make them mad especially if they don't want to take responsibility for their issues.
7. Let go of the responsibility and let the person assume or not assume the responsibility. Don't fret about something that is not your issue. At the same time figure out what you are going to do in response to the other person.

Joe* accused Sarah* of lying about an issue. In reality it was a misunderstanding. Joe had a tendency to lie about certain things so he was quick to accuse her. She started to get defensive, then simply focused on the truth of the misunderstanding.

Bert* blew up at Lana* every time she made a mistake. Mistakes are a normal part of life. It was his perfectionism that was the issue. Lana choose to simply speak the truth to him, "Bert, I made a mistake. The way I see it, we are all imperfect human beings who make mistakes so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be so hard on me about it."

After you've determined that it is not your issue if the person continues in the same criticism, attack or control, you can try to talk to them about it and invite them to look at their own issue in the situation. If they listen to you, you will both grow from the experience. If not, then you've done your best to try to resolve it so "let go and let God" take care of it.

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men..."Hebrews 12:14 (NIV)

What Do You Do When Someone Criticizes You?

When someone criticizes you, what is your first reaction? If you are like most people, your first response is to defend yourself. That's okay. You usually have your side of the story.

However, one of the quickest and smartest ways to diffuse criticism is to acknowledge the other person's point of view.  If you say "I hear you, I understand your point of view or I see your point," the other person feels heard. Then they may be willing to listen to your viewpoint.

Even if they won't listen to you and you disagree with the other person, there is usually some truth in what they say. Even if they are only a little bit right, you can learn something.

The constructive response is to ask yourself, "What can I learn from this? How can I grow?" This keeps you from being resentful and gives you a positive focus. You can take something thrown against you and use it to propel yourself to the next level of competency and success. In this way, you use the criticism to your advantage.

"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." Proverbs 15:32 (NIV)